They say rain cleanses the earth. It refreshes the air and before it even hits the ground it can attract tens to hundreds of tiny aerosol particles to its surface. While it falls it literally clears the air of pollutants. One can say the same for tears . . . it cleanses the soul, removing the burden the heart is not meant to carry.
I have to be honest, Monday was tough. While the doctor was kind and very easy to talk to, it was still hard to hear the final diagnosis and prognosis of how much the lymphoma has spread. It was hard going to sleep as my mind wrestled both ways. Intellect and emotion battled it out. I somehow fell asleep, but when dawn appeared I woke up peaceful and hopeful. Most of the time I have stayed in a peaceful and hopeful state these last 19 days. Its not always easy as there are thoughts that attack, but overall thru meditation whether thru music, praise, worship, prayer or reading I can circle back to peace. Wednesday morning’s routine started as I awoke exhausted which has been common for these last two weeks, but I trekked forward. My heart seemed fine. After running club at the school I drove home to start the routine with our youngest. Little Arthur knows something is different even though he can’t verbalize it. He is extra sensitive and wants to be with daddy all the time. Thankfully he happily and enthusiastically went to preschool. As I drove off heading to Wednesday morning Bible study Ed Sheeran started softly singing in the background. . .
“Loving can hurt,loving can hurt sometimes,but it’s the only thing I knowwhen it gets hard.You know it can get hard sometimes…”
And then it came. Without reservation my heart exploded, the tears streamed and I sobbed. Hard. The grasping for breath hard. The ugly kind of hard. And I was driving 70mph on the turnpike heading to my destination. I’m confused. Hadn’t I already settled this? Hadn’t I already decided its all going to be ok? Hadn’t I? Isn’t it? For the remaining 10 minute drive, I just cried. I cried because I know how much I love my husband. I cried because I know the kids know something is not right. I cried because cancer steals so much time, so much mental energy, so much emotion. It demands your time. It demands everything you have. It demands the person. It demands the spouse. It demands the children, the parents, the friends, the grandparents. It just demands everything: financially, emotionally, physically and it demands All.Of.Your.Time.
“Loving can heal,loving can mend your soul.And it’s the only thing that I know.I swear it will get easier . . . “
While my heart is wrestling I get a text from Ryan letting me know we still don’t have the MRI radiologist report which we need for that afternoon’s appointment. I take the deepest of breathes outside the church and make the phone call. For the third time, “Can you please send that fax?”
Deep breathes. Wipe down the face. Deep breathe. Thank goodness I realize I have makeup in the car and can fix the streaky mess. Deep breathe. My last thought before I open the driver’s door, “God, just give me something. I need your whisper today.” Deep breathe. Walk in. Relax. Its a breathe of fresh air sitting on the pew listening to Connie Wiitter, speaker and author with Because of Jesus Ministries. Immediately, I’m reminded I’m righteous and He loves me. I’m reminded I am led. He lives in me.
In the middle of Connie’s talk comes in Ryan’s text, “We got the fax.” Finally. Thank you . . . “Open the attachment.” Its a whisper in my head, or maybe my heart. So, in the middle of Bible study while Connie is speaking I open the attachment. I skim through it and the words stand out. I know what I’m seeing. On Friday night September 18th Ryan’s neck lymph nodes measured anywhere from 2.0 to 2.8cm whereas a mere 17 days later the neck area’s largest nodes are 1.8cm. The Spleen was almost doubled its size on 9/18/15 at 20cm then down to 16.8cm on 10/5/15. People, that is a BIG DEAL! Even the large mass of mesenteric nodes in the stomach went down half a centimeter! My whisper in the rain. My heart leaped. Tears, tears of joy effortlessly left my eyes.
Standard medical science may have no explanation other than “your lymphoma is misbehaving” for the evidence that confirms the nodes and spleen have reduced in size, but I do. It’s working. We aren’t nuts. Ok, well, maybe we are nuts, but I’ll take nuts any day over going with the masses. What we are doing is giving the body the ability to fight off cancer. The body is an amazing creation; it needs what the earth, the rest of creation, has to offer.
This battle has only begun and Ryan’s changes in diet and nutrition are forcing the storm to relent.