“There’s a small area on the left side of my jaw that hurts when I take the liquid supplements.” 

A simple statement that we didn’t explore. Ryan said these one liners off and on starting late November 2016 (maybe earlier?). It was not every day. I thought it was an odd reaction to the liquid supplements. I asked a couple of health professionals and no one had an answer. Ryan never said it was his tooth, just above the jaw line on the left side towards the back of the mouth. Maybe it was healing from previous dental work. It wasn’t a daily pain. It was just something there that kept popping up from time to time. With everything Ryan’s body was going thru it was set aside, ignored. So many other things were being addressed I myself couldn’t keep up with it all. Fast forward to May 2016. While we were in San Francisco for Ryan’s dad’s brain surgery, Ryan’s starts a funny breathing pattern. He said he felt great physically despite the healing from hernia surgery, but we could both tell something was off with his lungs. Something wasn’t right and all I could think of were the days of his labored breathing and trips to the ER. A few nights into the 10 day trip Ryan awakened late at night with extensive pain. He couldn’t go back to sleep. The essential oils I had with me were not enough to subside the pain. My resources were so limited being in an unknown city late at night; there didn’t seem to be very many options. I asked my mother-in-law for pain meds and she had Tylenol. With a deep sigh I gave Ryan a couple tablets. It helped, it calmed the pain and he was able to sleep. The next morning the pain was still there. I was perplexed because I knew something was not right. After many questions and a long dialogue Ryan and I determined that it was probably a tooth. The following Tuesday, a week after great results from Ryan’s dad’s brain surgery everyone returned home to Tulsa, Oklahoma. The very next day at 9am Ryan had an emergency appointment with our local holistic dentist and he uncovered a very large abscess tooth. It was so large that the dentist kept Ryan in the office and within two hours the tooth was completely out. I saw a picture: it was nasty!

It was tooth #18 and it was probably infected for much longer than we initially thought. According to the meridian charts this tooth directly affects one’s lungs, large intestine and spleen. WOW! Putting the last 22 months together it fit perfectly into Ryan’s issues. Within two days Ryan felt a distinct difference in his breathing. Ryan’s history of pleural effusions, a spleen that had enlarged more months than not throughout his healing journey and all of the digestive issues Ryan has had for at least two years came in line with the abscess tooth. It was another root cause of Ryan’s issues (pun intended). Since the cancer diagnosis Ryan has had a lot of dental work performed by a holistic dentist. Root canal removed, mercury fillings removed, cavities taken care of and much more. His mouth has been a literal work in progress for the past two years. His teeth continue to look healthier and healthier every month. Our hope its that this was the last dental issue that needed to be uncovered, but as we have come to find out this is a journey in which we continue to learn and uncover. Life in and of itself is a never ending journey.

Another major event in April/May/June that we clearly see in hindsight is our toxic apartment. In the process of buying our current 40 Foot Motorhome we chose to move into an apartment during our transition. When we rented the apartment we realized that this meant a higher uptake in toxic chemicals as we couldn’t filter all of our water, the apartment was 100% carpet and the biggest problem of all was realizing that our neighbors below were heavy smokers. After move-in we learned management did use an ozone machine to clear the air and smell, but within days of move-in the smell of smoke started coming thru the carpet and walls. From late-April until we moved out in June, Ryan and Arthur (our youngest) struggled to stay healthy. They both fought sinus/cold issues most of the time we lived in that apartment. While I had 3 diffusers running almost 24/7 and had air purifiers throughout it wasn’t enough to undo the constant onslaught of toxicity we were coming in contact thru air, water and carpet. I believe coupled with Ryan’s hernia surgery in April, the abscess tooth and the toxic home it really knocked out Ryan’s immune system which hindered his whole body and was another reason for the long hernia recovery and future issues. Another “hindsight” moment in our journey.

Embrace the journey . . . keep cycling thru. 

We have embraced the journey of uncovering one stone at a time. While at times we have collapsed timeframes, moved quickly and swiftly to make changes, uncover issues and changed paths when we needed to . . . we also know we are human and we just cannot make a perfect decision every single time. It is impossible for me, for Ryan, and honestly, for YOU.

One of the most impactful life lessons from the past two years is the ability to be ok with myself. Be ok with the decisions made, good or bad. Be ok with the actions taken whether in hindsight those were seen as great or not. Being ok with who I am, where I am  and where I am headed is the key to living in peace. A great life is not where we live, what we do or whom we are with. A great life is being at peace with one’s self. Being at peace in the midst of uncertainty, being at peace in the midst of major life events, being at peace with the decisions your loved ones make and being at peace irregardless of what is going on around you. Now that is how a great life is lived.

How do we rebound back to being at peace with one’s self when life seems to crumble below us? I wish it was as easy as 1-2-3 to explain. I wish I could tell you that I was at peace 100% of the time. Anyone making those claims would be inauthentic. In reality living in peace irregardless of the circumstances requires a lot of work. A lot of interior, emotional work. Living in peace means being ok with who you are, wherever you are.

This is what I know: When I understood that I am love, that I am enough and that I am worthy, that’s when my life became at peace. When my mind and heart agreed that I did not have to do anything to earn someone’s approval, to earn a blessing or to earn someone’s love that’s when I let go of other’s opinions of me and peace ensued.

Do I love myself? That is the deepest question that I had to answer. When I learned to love myself everything changed. Peace became effortless.

Do you love yourself?

As long as I remind myself of who I am peace passes all understanding. It doesn’t fix everything. It simple allows me to be at peace in the midst of uncertainty.

If we all took the time to do the deep emotional work to become at peace with ourselves I wonder what impact we would have on this world?

PS. Initially I meant to write about testing this week but it all became too long, so Part 3 is coming to you in 7 days or less.

~Caroline Luelf
Live Loved,
Live Free.
Because . . . YOLO!